Sometimes around my 30 birthday I walked the streets of Tel Aviv and found a small note with a phone number on the wall next to the Gym I worked in. I called and was invited to a meditation group in some living room. The teacher name was Uri. I found myself led by soemthing much stronger then my personal will and after some month I was deep involoved with a community of students who lived together in a house next to the Park. Those days brought many spontenous awakenings and a deep dive into the realm of spiritual search. One day I woke up to know myself as awareness and for three days I was walking with a heartful love to every creature. Today I know it was also an awakening of Divine Love.
At some point Uri discovered the books of Almaas. We first joined a retreat of Faisal who came to Italy.
It was my first encounter with the realm of Essential Quolities, the Pearl, the Point and more. After several retreats with Faisal we both joined the Italian Group who just opened in Italy with Janel Ensler as the main Teacher. Since then and until today this is my home group where I learn with my friends on the path and hold strong heart spirit soul connection.
When they announced the begining of Rising I joined with some of my friends and here I am after almost 12 deep, challenging, beautiful years of Diamond Approach sessions, retreats, supervision and inner journey that never ends....
This work has opened my perspective to know myself beyond the history. Knowing who I am not only with attachments to my regular sense of Self that is based on my childhood influences and develpment structures. I learned how wide and open the meaning of being a Human Being in this lifetime is. I have seen many of my projections, I have seen the truth of who I am, the emptiness, void, love, True Nature.. And now what? How to bring all of this and integrate it into everyday life? This is the beauty of the work. Life is all- the spirit and the matter, the high and the low.
I feel from my own personal path with the DA the importance of living life and not of it. Going through the difficulty of the human issues, personal developmental traumas and go beyond to know ourselfs in the realm beyond the human. When spirit is grounded in our Soul we can live life from a deep feeling of calmness. truthfullness, and worth that is not dependent on the outside.
I love living life, I love being myself and this is the gift this work has given me. For so many years I have suffered, not knowing my spiritual nature. I was trying for a while to bypass pain and suffering and ignorence by just wishing to be in empty space, long distanced from human connections and the entengelments they offer. I now live life and out of it. After yearts of inquiry and many retreats where I have known myself beyond my personality I now live peacfully with my personlity. I am not looking anymore for issues. Issues come when they come and then I have the tool of inquiry to understand and digest them.
The DA is not an instant enlightment, even though it can surely happen to you in a session or retreat. It also has the gift of studying together in a group for many years, immersed in the lives of your friends and seeing their development, tresures and hardships and they are a mirror for yours. This is something that is rare these days, to be part of a community of people who are curious to know themselfs, to know the truth.
https://meiravschreiber.co.il/love-and-hate/
https://meiravschreiber.co.il/non-doing-and-aloness/
June 2013
As I start to talk about the hate I feel the identification with it. I see I push away everything, like a wall, I am resisting to everything, everything that is not me I hate. Everything bounces back from this wall of hate. Nothing can penetrate.
I feel I am the hate, the negativity, I feel the wish to destroy and the false power that I can destroy everything. I am going into the core of the hate. I feel castrated, cut from my legs down, and hate for being castrated. I sense in my body the submission to society.
I sense in my body the ego’s weight, how heavy it feels to feel like a lie. It changes to feeling like the devil itself, the cynical point of view of life from this place. Hate, manipulation, using others, survival force. I feel it in my bones. I am the structure. This is who I am. And still i am curious about the ability to be aware of it and share it with J.
I sit with this for some time and see that I can’t do anything about it. I can’t change it. For a moment I see how my mind made up this story and is identifying with it. This observation of the illusion of my sense of self is overwhelming and somehow makes me feel blocked again. I see a veil, and feel that I am a lie.
Another voice comes in, not liking what there is and a wish to disappear. I sense into an unpleasant sense of nothingness and hear the words “I am nobody”. To J. question who is nobody? I start to sense numbness in my genitals and an empty sense of self.
The castration becames a hole in my genitals. The veil becomes very thin, transparent but still exists, with the understanding that I can’t disappear but will always be in this body as long as I am alive. It feels like I have rented this body for a while.
Staying with this I feel awakening of the cells of my body, a vibrated sense of self. I see the possibility, the potentiality to have a physical body and yet be connected to a vast wisdom beyond all horizons. It feels so free. Like freedom itself took me on its wings and my heart feels so light and spacious.
I feel the enlightment force in action. But as I speak of it, I sense again the regular sense of self, with no value, arising out of nowhere. The small sense of self that is merging now with this truth of who I am, and yet I feel how my habit is to believe this regular, safe, small sense of self. It takes the energy out and I start to sense a disconnection again and a taste of object relation with J. as she tells me the session is over. I want the connection with J. to continue, I am angry that we have to disconnect.
It brings up the question on autonomy and connection. On knowing the truth but not being able to stay there alone. This is a theme I know very well, that comes up in many of our sessions. Wanting to feel connection in all cost and so quickly selling my own power and wisdom for this comfortable, safe feeling of false belonging.
I feel what is new, is an ability to stay with this uncomfortable place, unpleasant sensations of myself and be just present with curiosity. I feel the taste of my Self now in relationship to my husband and life in general. The egoistic behaviour, the negativity and pushing away, the hate I seldom feel. I’m sitting with this right now, just seeing many unpleasant truths about myself and others around me.
Now I can see it with objectivity, like an ability to see through all veils. Knowing my own hate, greed, manipulations I see through all. It’s painful and what is hard is to know I can’t do anything about this, but to continue knowing myself.
June 2013
As I start to talk about the hate I feel the identification with it. I see I push away everything, like a wall, I am resisting to everything, everything that is not me I hate. Everything bounces back from this wall of hate. Nothing can penetrate.
I feel I am the hate, the negativity, I feel the wish to destroy and the false power that I can destroy everything. I am going into the core of the hate. I feel castrated, cut from my legs down, and hate for being castrated. I sense in my body the submission to society.
I sense in my body the ego’s weight, how heavy it feels to feel like a lie. It changes to feeling like the devil itself, the cynical point of view of life from this place. Hate, manipulation, using others, survival force. I feel it in my bones. I am the structure. This is who I am. And still i am curious about the ability to be aware of it and share it with J.
I sit with this for some time and see that I can’t do anything about it. I can’t change it. For a moment I see how my mind made up this story and is identifying with it. This observation of the illusion of my sense of self is overwhelming and somehow makes me feel blocked again. I see a veil, and feel that I am a lie.
Another voice comes in, not liking what there is and a wish to disappear. I sense into an unpleasant sense of nothingness and hear the words “I am nobody”. To J. question who is nobody? I start to sense numbness in my genitals and an empty sense of self.
The castration becames a hole in my genitals. The veil becomes very thin, transparent but still exists, with the understanding that I can’t disappear but will always be in this body as long as I am alive. It feels like I have rented this body for a while.
Staying with this I feel awakening of the cells of my body, a vibrated sense of self. I see the possibility, the potentiality to have a physical body and yet be connected to a vast wisdom beyond all horizons. It feels so free. Like freedom itself took me on its wings and my heart feels so light and spacious.
I feel the enlightment force in action. But as I speak of it, I sense again the regular sense of self, with no value, arising out of nowhere. The small sense of self that is merging now with this truth of who I am, and yet I feel how my habit is to believe this regular, safe, small sense of self. It takes the energy out and I start to sense a disconnection again and a taste of object relation with J. as she tells me the session is over. I want the connection with J. to continue, I am angry that we have to disconnect.
It brings up the question on autonomy and connection. On knowing the truth but not being able to stay there alone. This is a theme I know very well, that comes up in many of our sessions. Wanting to feel connection in all cost and so quickly selling my own power and wisdom for this comfortable, safe feeling of false belonging.
I feel what is new, is an ability to stay with this uncomfortable place, unpleasant sensations of myself and be just present with curiosity. I feel the taste of my Self now in relationship to my husband and life in general. The egoistic behaviour, the negativity and pushing away, the hate I seldom feel. I’m sitting with this right now, just seeing many unpleasant truths about myself and others around me.
Now I can see it with objectivity, like an ability to see through all veils. Knowing my own hate, greed, manipulations I see through all. It’s painful and what is hard is to know I can’t do anything about this, but to continue knowing myself.
Personal reflections from my Inquiries
July 2013
I start to talk about an argument I just had with my partner. I feel heat in my body and anger. I feel hate towards him and see how it takes away all of my awareness. I start to cry feeling helplessness in trying to help my partner (or any other member of my family).
I say I don’t know how to be with him. I don’t know how to be in the relationship with him. I inquire about my mind and see how awareness is embracing the pain in my throat. I inquire into some splitting I feel in my mind. I see how I was reactive a minute ago and now I am not.
I feel some integration going on in my mind. I feel it’s important for me to look into what just happened with My partner. That there is something I don’t see. J. brings me back after a while into my throat. I feel the rigidity in my throat and feel the structure of my mother, her aggressiveness, hate and pride.
I feel the pride as I lower my head down as it becomes heavy. I feel this is what I wish to do in front of My partner, to lower my head, instead of being rigid and prideful. I try to see what I split. I feel I entered an unconscious zone of my awareness. Like I don’t have words in this place and I only need to trust my body to know.
I feel something is being integrated physically. I feel a lot of pressure in my throat at this point and my mind is all foggy and blank. J. asks me what I am protecting and calls for more truth. I feel the rigidity in my body, I feel like it becomes as hard as armour.
It takes time to understand what I protect. I feel I really can’t see. I am inside an unconscious, preverbal place. I feel myself as a structure, I feel the pride, I feel a deep pain in my heart to see how I am with my partner, when I’m in this rigid prideful place, taking myself to be right while he is wrong, I am good and he is bad.
It’s a different pain then before, like a scratch in my heart. It’s a very bitter pain. I start to feel some vibrations in my body and can sense immense love being condensed and protected inside the body. I can feel how I protect the holes of my body so this love will be safe and held.
I feel the holes of my eyes, the mouth and the vagina. I feel there is so much love that if I let go of the rigidity of my body I will explode away.
I see that also hate and other emotions, or everything that is being produced out of this body is made of love but in an incomplete or distorted way. I understand now how it can feel to be with my partner with all my body and not only with parts. I protect myself when I am with him. I split love when I am angry or upset at him. I realize how splitting is so invisible and unconscious.
Writing this right now helps me to integrate more and understand what was happening. I feel a bit strange, or unpleasant as I see that there was pride along the inquiry that I didn’t see and no humbleness. I feel some shame now and I see that I wish to project it outside and blame somebody else or be angry at you J.. Not that you did something but just to project and split again on you this uncomfortable places of myself. Wow…. so.much to see.