The Question of Aloneness

Human suffering is the result of feeling separate. When we don't feel separate we can relax, we can feel ourselves and the natural beauty of our being. We can move and express our potential in ways that are fulfilling and in harmony with our lives. We feel free. But to lose the sense of separateness requires that we address our understanding of inner aloneness.

When we are identified with a separate sense of self we can't be completely at peace because we are identified with a self-image. The identification with self-images form as a response to the difficulties of the developing infant and child. It's a necessary dissociation from the immediacy of painful experience. But an image is not fundamentally real so it's not a place we can relax into. It's not even a truly separate sense of self because all self-images include the image (usually unconscious) of the other.  There is no self-image that doesn't include the image of someone else, usually our mother or early caregivers. We can see this by noticing what's happening in our consciousness when we are not directly relating with someone else; an inner dialogue remains.  Much of our non-relating time is filled with inner dialogue with or about another, talking to someone, thinking about what they did wrong or right, what you think of them or they will think of you. It's an ongoing dinner party that keeps us in a familiar state.

Just notice what's happening when you sit to meditate. How much silence is there, especially in the beginning?

It's a challenge to quiet the mind, and for good reason. The self-image- the ego-is threatened by the silence. To the ego it means losing the other and, hence, losing our sense of self. At a deep level it's a threat to the survival of the self. The inner chatter is not really a weakness or laziness. It's powered by the force of the survival instinct to keep the self-image alive- and to avoid the inner aloneness that will naturally arise in its absence.

Inner aloneness is the absence of the inner dialoguing. It's an absence of the agitating, moment to moment re-creation of the self. It's a resting in the presence of peace because there is no separate self to defend or prop up.

All human souls long for this peace but we can see that there is also deep ambivalence. Can I have peace and have a self that survives? If I feel aloneness will I be lonely? Will I be able to relate to other people? Is it only my ego that wants to have contact with other people? Is there a natural desire and need for connecting with others not based on images?

Because the ego only knows relating from self-images it can't know what real relating is. Through embodied inquiry, however, we can experientially explore these questions.

Suggested monologue or writing exercise: Explore your feelings around Inner Aloneness.
-Start by noticing what's happening in your body as you contemplate the question
-Allow your emotions to arise freely
-If there is fear, let yourself be as specific as possible about what the fear is
-Note your ideas about aloneness versus your actual felt experience in the moment
-Be alert for judgments about yourself, the inquiry, your desires, or your spiritual development. These also are based on the self-image of the inner child.
-Bring kindness to yourself during the inquiry. Identifying with a separate self is painful. The kindness will invite an inner holding, help you to disidentify from the self-images and support the inquiry to be more adventurous. Inquiry is an expression of loving yourself and the truth.

Vince Draddy is a teacher working with groups in the Bay Area, the East Coast and the Netherlands. He will be leading a three morning teaching on Living Alone on the Spiritual Path, December 19, 20 and 31. Click here to learn more about his event.