Attunement is a way we use empathic sensitivity; it is an action based on sensitivity to another such that your response matches what is happening with her. You get a sense of where she is coming from and are able to respond in a way that speaks to that. For a relationship to evolve, for the relational field to open up and evolve, we have to first really understand that there is a person, here too, with her own feelings, her own experience. The more present we are, the more real we are, and the more our heart is open and available, the more this sensitivity of our consciousness is able to feel where someone is. And it is possible that our individual consciousness can get so sensitive that we actually feel in ourselves what another person is experiencing, in its totality and specifics. How often have you walked into a room and immediately said to yourself, “Hmm, it feels tense in here”? Then you find out that somebody there is going through a hard time and you’re picking up on it. Or you feel uplifted the minute you walk in—“Oh, it feels really nice in here”—and you find out that something joyful has been going on in the house. We don’t have to actually see somebody and get physical cues to feel what is happening. Our consciousness is sensitive. Our humanness has a sensitivity to it beyond the nervous system. It is more of a gut feeling at first, but it can manifest as an actual set of sensations corresponding to specific emotions and spiritual states of consciousness. 

Any experience of presence can change your perspective and your view of reality. For example, when you are pervaded with compassion and look at reality from its perspective, you notice that it affects not only your experience of yourself but also your perception of everything else. Your attitude, what you think is important in life, and what you think is significant about reality all change. You feel kindness in how you relate to your own experience and also increased sensitivity to the difficulties that others are dealing with in their lives. If then you experience clarity and you are feeling clarity and you are being clarity, that transparency and luminosity will shift your perspective. You will begin to see through your familiar prejudices and assumptions and recognize a more objective, less self-centered experience of reality. You realize that without clarity, you are lost. It doesn’t matter how much compassion you have; if you are not clear about things, you won’t see what reality is, you won’t see what the truth is. So each experience of true nature widens and deepens your view of what you are and what reality is. 

People who work on themselves develop their inner vision so that they can perceive their essential nature. This is analogous to looking at matter in a microscope: If you look through the microscope, you will see the molecular structure of the material; if you don’t look, you will not see what it is made of. The more people see the essential nature they are made of, the more the actions in their lives are informed by that perception. If you don’t perceive your essence, it does not affect you or your life very much. A lot of work is required to refine one’s perception to become aware of Essence at all, much less to become aware of it as the essence of one’s consciousness itself. Because this is a very subtle perception, most people don’t have the sensitivity to see it or to understand its nature. Those who do perceive it usually think of the experience as a bit of grace that God throws you once in awhile, like a blessing that happens to hit you occasionally. To conceive of Essence in this way is not to see objectively. The objective view that the Holy Ideas explicate is that Essence is actually the nature of our consciousness and the nature of everything. The more we see this, the more faith develops in us. That is the work of self-realization—to become aware of, to become certain of, and to become continuously in touch with, the fact that Essence is one’s intrinsic nature. It is difficult work, but that is the Work. 

As long as the student feels that his teacher is empathically aware of him and mirroring him in an admiring or special way, he feels that she is supporting and validating his sense of self. This mirroring object relation is largely a fantasy in his mind, which is usually unconscious unless it is disturbed. He continues to bask in her positive light—whether real or imagined, which helps him to be open to seeing and accepting his exhibitionistic and grandiose tendencies. However, this equilibrium of his sense of self and self-esteem is precarious, as is reflected by his extreme sensitivity to any lapse or imperfection in the teacher’s empathic mirroring. Now that he has established a mirror transference to his teacher, he is depending on her to shore up, confirm, and preserve the cohesion of his identity and its attendant self-esteem. He is extremely vulnerable to her, in a way that he might not appreciate until he feels some disruption in this idyllic condition. The shakiness of his sense of identity, his sensitivity to the absence or presence of perfect empathic mirroring, and his vulnerable dependency on the mirroring object (the teacher in this case) are reflected in the fact that what might appear to the external observer to be slight or even minute lapses in the mirroring cause extreme reactions of distress. Deep emotional hurt, tremendous rage, and an extreme loss of self-esteem are some of the elements of his reaction to slight inaccuracies of feedback from his teacher, or even her imagined absence or lessening of attention or approval from her. 

Narcissistic vulnerability: Another issue that arises when the narcissistic constellation begins to be dealt with is sensitivity to narcissistic hurt. This is what we call narcissistic vulnerability. It manifests as the tendency to feel hurt, slighted or humiliated at the slightest indication of lack of empathy, understanding, approval, value, admiration or recognition. Some defend strongly against this vulnerability, but even if we defend against it we feel disturbed about the absence of narcissistic supplies. The student might act as if he does not care, but how he feels inside is a different story. The vulnerability is always there because of the fundamental weakness of the normal identity. Vulnerability is usually not in the foreground and is defended against in many ways, but becomes more conscious as the narcissistic constellation approaches consciousness. This sensitivity might readily present itself in the student’s experience, or the defenses against it might come to the fore first, and will need to be worked through before he can feel the sensitivity directly and fully. 

Our central method of working—engaging in consistent inquiry into our essential nature—quite naturally begins to put pressure on the structure of our self-identity, exposing its narcissistic characteristics. As this happens we become more aware of the narcissism in our character. Ironically, we begin to feel more narcissistic! For example, we become more acutely aware of our self-centeredness, or of our sensitivity to others’ opinions. These characteristics may have always been there, but at this stage we begin to notice and to question them. This focus spontaneously arises from our investigation of our essential nature and begins a new and much deeper phase of our spiritual work. We begin to be curious about aspects of our experience we have up to now taken for granted. 

Often, the needs and tasks of daily life eclipse the openness, love, and creative involvement—but they don’t have to. Unstructured space and time is necessary for the maturation of a relationship. This allows us to slow down and take our attention off worldly concerns and go inward together. We also need certain qualities that allow the field to open and evolve. For example, it is necessary to have some sensitivity to where the other is. We need a sense of empathy in concert with an interest in what the other is feeling, rather than assuming we know where he or she is coming from. We can get to know where our partner is not only by external cues but by actually feeling it. Empathy is generally seen as the ability to know another’s point of view, the ability to relate to what your friend is saying, feeling, or thinking because you have had the experience and can call it up in your memory. It stimulates the sense of knowing from your own experience, which you can then apply to how another person might be feeling. But empathy can go very, very deep, much deeper than this psychological way of knowing the other’s experience. We can actually feel where someone is without having had their experience, because our consciousness is ultimately one ocean. A wave in the ocean is not separate from the other waves.  

When I say “higher intellect” or “divine mind,” many people misunderstand and consider these to be mental faculties. But the heart is vital to this kind of creative discrimination. The functioning of this capacity actually happens through the unity of mind and heart because without love, there would be no compassion or sensitivity to the mind’s discernment. The creative discrimination of presence is activated by the participation of the heart. This discrimination arises according to true, deep, existential need and only when we have the right orientation—a loving desire to know the truth.